Talking to myself

Long time since I have been alone for some time, started talking to myself again...

The point of the talk was none whatsoever as usual, but I am committing the fallacy of drawing conclusions (again as usual); the conclusion is "be honest", in your dealings, your relationships, your thoughts, your actions. I conclude that this is the single most important rule to follow, if you are really looking for some rules to follow.

I will not get into the details of the conversation because it's such a drag to write all that down, but I am happy that I still believe I am what I want myself to be. All the marketing jargon still cannot replace the beauty and joy of an honest conversation.

But the catch, and there's always a catch, is that this rule is the simplest as well as the most difficult rule to follow, both at the same time. I sincerely wish (even pray) I never lose the courage to think or act otherwise; that it remains ridiculously easy to be myself, always. Cheers to the self!

Almost...

This way that way, left or right
The wind blows, the smoke is light
Wanting to leave a trail behind
Running in circles, nothing bright
You got to see it twist and roll
Seems almost like it knows, yes almost as if in control...

Have you seen the butterfly
Sure is pretty,sure does try
Remembers nothing of the nothingness
All these colors, make me cry
You got to see it twist and roll
Seems almost like it knows, yes almost as if in control...

Must be laughing, behind closed doors
Though I wonder still if it's me or he knows
Maybe a roll, poker, might even be chess
High up above this is how it goes
"You got to see it twist and roll
Seems almost like it knows, yes almost as if in control..."

You must remember this...

I watched Casablanca a few days back, thought it was an awesome movie. Great actors, great(if not the greatest) dialogs, a love struggle woven beautifully with the struggle of war, and some great jazz. But I don't want to talk about the movie here, it's this song "As time goes by", which I really liked, and when I searched for the original, it was even better with the complete lyrics. The lyrics are amazing and the music is all what good jazz should be made of. Am posting the lyrics here, if you can, do listen to the song....enjoy!

"This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by."

A mind of my own

I realized messed up priorities coupled with lack of reason can lead to so much chaos. And its not only about the chaos, the damage done can be much greater than what it seems to be on the face of it. Its funny watching people (both friends and foes) go to such great lengths for something as insignificant as power, that too power on a scale as small as a hostel or a college. Friendships are forgotten(stronger words can be used), deceit replaces honor, the line between right and wrong ceases to exist, every last bit of morality is flushed down the drains to what purpose? Have the "eternal" principles of honor and righteousness become obsolete, have they gone out of fashion these days?
I may be too much of an idealist here, and I totally agree that foresight, emotions and attachments sometimes demand things which may not qualify as "absolutely" right, but is there any limit to all this? Even if one thinks practically, is a GS post really worth giving up years of friendship, is reputation in college reason enough to kill your own conscience? Some actions may be justified on emotional grounds, sometimes helping a dear one fulfill his dream or revenge for a wronged friend is great motivation indeed, but even here the damage done to so many others by a single action goes neglected, and most do it to satisfy their own vanity anyways.
This jumbled up array of words reflects the jumbled up clot of thoughts in my mind, frankly my emotions, my anger once or twice convinced me too to leave my principles behind, but now I realize again that wrong can never be justified unless the justification itself is wrong. Right and wrong may not be as absolute as two sides of a coin, but when the time comes, it becomes clear deep in our hearts, only it is up to us whether to follow it or not.

not Preity

I was trying to sketch Preity Zinta today....didn't quite turn out as I had pictured it....even the editing in photoshop was in vain. But in my defense I do not have a pencil with me and the crayon I was using was really blunt :D
Anyways, am still uploading both, the sketch n the edited image.

My Sketchbook!

I was going through my old desk drawer yesterday, found some really intresting stuff, one of which was my very very old sketchbook(yes, I used to sketch, very funny, ha... ha... ha..). Here are some pages from it, I loved it! :D







This made me to sketch after a long time today, and I daresay the result was not bad. Check it out...

All for one, one for all

Considering the fact that almost all religions claim that there is only one God, and assuming each of them to be correct, we are left with the single conclusion that all religions talk about the same thing or person or whatever. A funny thought came to my mind sometime back, just imagine the laugh this God guy must be having, seeing people fight and kill, with both sides fighting for the same Him(or Her,no offense to the ladies)! That makes most of the world's biggest wars fought with both sides actually on the same side!
Its really hard to believe what things people do in the name of religion and God, but I guess its not their fault most of the times, blind ignorant faith is the easiest thing to manipulate. Someone fights for Ram, other for Allah, someone else for Jesus, yet someone else for Jesus's apparently secret wife, but behind these innocent blank clueless curtains there is true unity, with a handful of people fighting together for power, wealth and all that jazz, not caring, not fearing once while stepping over their own Ram or double crossing their own Allah. Its hilarious at times, pooja water kept in vodka bottles, supposedly "daridra" priests flaunting the latest Nokia N93 handset, and countless other things people are smart enough to hide most of the times.
Why can't each of us let the other be? Why can't everyone look at everyone else just the same? How can we be so blind, so naive, so gullible, so easily manipulated?

Strange dreams!

I dont really remember most of the dreams I dream, but the ones I do(mostly when I am half asleep or when I wake up too early) are really funny. Recently I had this dream where some girl named Tina(I have no idea who!) kept on texting me, and I kept on trying to read her messages, but only couldn't, because whenever I tried to open the message, the backlight went off! And just when I thought "what the hell is wrong with my mobile!", a thought came to my mind "Maybe it got wet in the rain!"(ah!Genius!), and behold! Suddenly water starts pouring from the bottom of the cell phone....
If you think that was funny, read on about the most recent one....

In this one, I am suddenly back to after class 12th, and to the least of my surprises(funny how all kind of shit happens, but you are never surprised in a dream!Its like "I am on the moon....man its dark in here".Not even a "WOW!",let alone"WHERE'S MY OXYGEN MASK!")....anyways, as i was saying, to the least of my surprises, I have cleared CPMT and am in medical school! But wait, there is more! With me are Becky, Joey, Jesse and DJ...yes, all characters from the sitcom Full House! And, the one who actually made some sense(but was the most surprising!), Shweta, a junior in school who cleared CPMT recently (for real).
So, now we obviously have a practical in the day, which is obviously very tough, and all I am doing is obviously flirting with Becky(was she my girl friend in the dream?Atleast Jesse didn't mind). Then exhausted we all come home(yes,we all lived in the same house, even Shweta!), all disgusted with the practical, obviously having thoughts like "I should have gone for engineering or even better,commerce!" when suddenly Shweta comes and obviously says"wow!The practical was so much fun, it was so easy!"
Just at this moment, I wake up, coz I have to drop Dad to somewhere 5:30 in the morning, and mom is shaking me up and down....the first word which comes to my mind....."WEIRD!"

आज फिर उनसे मिलने जाना है

Feeling like writing something in hindi...and also feeling strangely romantic....so here goes


लबों पर हंसी है...आँखों में फिर वही नूर आया है

पीता तो नही मैं...पर फिर कुछ नशा सा छाया है

नींद है खफ़ा खफ़ा....फिर भी ख़्वाबों का घना साया है

फ़िज़ूल ना मुस्कुराता मैं...पर हर कोशिश अभी ज़ाया है

हर लम्हा उम्र एक....पल पल एक ज़माना है

खुदा ही सम्हाले मुझे...आज फिर उनसे मिलने जाना है

A Silent Tear

Ever imagined talking to a tear drop? What follows as per my imagination is a chat with our very own Silent Tear (ST)! Read on....

Me : Hullo there! Long time no see, where are you putting up these days?

ST : Ya, i know, long time, hope you havent forgotton me. Thought you needed me, so came running. I see you are all crapped up right now.

Me : Hmmm. I am in a fix yaar, I have messed up big time this time, now I don't know what to do. I guess that's why you are here. Anyways, forget that, enough about me, how are you doing?

ST : Oh, I have been fine, running from one loner to other, but its fun. You should see these morons, they so crack me up. The funniest ones are those with girl trouble, I can barely stop my laughter there.

Me : Interesting, you say girl trouble. Don't girls cry when they have guy trouble?

ST : Cry? Man, we have to send an army there. I am from the SF, I work solo, I cant go in there!

Me : I see. But what exactly are you supposed to do. You seem pretty useless to me.

ST : Ignorant fool! How dare you doubt my worth! I cleanse your eyes, restore moisture, some say I am even good for the skin. And on top of that, I am fully sponsored by the management, you don't need to pay a thing. What more do you want?

Me : Arre I was not talking about that, don't you have any emotional significance or something?

ST : Ah! So you've turned into those morons afterall. There's nothing emotional about me, but for your satisfaction, I can say that I lighten the mind, lessen your sorrows, bring God and all his angels in your heart blah blah! There's more, you want to listen?

Me : Ok, Ok. I get your point. Its you good you came when I was alone, this conversation would have caused me so much embarrasment in public. Your timing is perfect everytime, I must give that too you.

ST : Why thank you! I know you don't like people to know we are friends. I understand.

Me : Chalo then, nice talking to you. I hope the only time I need you again is while chopping onions, but who am I kidding, its life, you are bound to come sometime or the other. Just come as silently as you always do, and i'll be fine. Cya

ST : Cya, keep scrapping!tc,gn,sd,gb,abcdefg123...

Me : Ok,Ok, enough, dont get carried away, you too tc, bye

ST : Bye 8-)

Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire

Just now saw the movie Shindler's list, and am still feeling its awe. Makes one realise how special each life is. Funny how life can never be measured by numbers, or by goodness or badness or usefulness or worthlessness. No mathematics applies to human life, you can't add two people, and say their value is double now. No science can tell you that mr. xyz's existence is more valuable than mr. abc's.
Imagine a war going on in a far off land,say country Warland. Millions died in the war, and here you are, sitting comfortable in your old sofa, watching BBC, the new correspondent tells you how this army massacred that village, you get bored, ah!What the heck, you change the channel, start watching India vs Australia cricket instead. Lets be honest, this is what usually happens, this is what happened while Afghanistan was bombarded, while Iraq was raided.
Now imagine the person you love in this world the most to be gone to Warland on a holiday, I am not asking you to get sentimental or something, just observe how suddenly the war becomes a zillion times more important than India winning or play being abandoned due to bad lights. When a millions people were dying, what mattered more was whether Dravid was fit to play, but now suddenly this one person is put into picture, and the whole painting changes. All mathematics fails here, the value of that one life for you surpasses the value of all others by far.As if each life has an infinite value by itself, nothing determinate, but very much there, and able to assume all possible greatest or smallest numbers(if numbers at all). The ring gifted by the jews to Shindler says so aptly "Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire".
How people can easily kill each other, how men have in history murdered brutally, and how some lives are completely changed by the demise of one, and how others remain unaffacted even by a million of deaths. It is strange business indeed, weird ways in which life works. The more one thinks about it,the stranger it seems. Its always better not to think, everything appears so perfect behind the rosy shades of stupidity, of ignorance; its best kept that way.

I am BaCK!!!!

This has been a long break from blogging n stuff. Not that I didnt have time to write, just that I had started to get a feeling that blogging is just so stupid(I even almost deleted my existing blogs once).
But now here I am, alone in the hostel, nothing to do, back in the pointless thinking mode, and what better way to let all ones senseless thoughts out than to blog!

Solitude is such a strange thing, so enjoyable in the beginning, becomes unbearable after some time, and then after some even more time, one starts enjoying it again. I have entered the third phase very fast it seems, it feels so relaxing sitting in the room, doing nothing, thinking about anything and everything. There's no work to worry about, no one to bother me, i even keep my cell phone silent most of the times. My only companion these days is LAN gaming, whenever I feel I have too much on my mind, I simply buzz some people on the messenger, we arrange for a game, and believe me, everything is forgotton. How I used to find it so difficult to get things out of my mind, and now I have found the perfect solution; just a game of DOTA, and everything smokes away. Gaming is pretty much like alchohol I guess, its addictive, takes you away from everything real, and everyone but those who play say you shouldn't do it.

Now don't get me wrong here, I do like to be with friends, I am longing to meet everyone back home, but I think I somewhat understand now what people mean when they say that one should take some time out for oneself. At some level, I guess I became so involved with so many people that this sudden isolation is feeling like a welcome change, it has given me time to clear up a lot of clogs in my mind, seeing everything one at a time.

I think this will be enough for today, i really don't know whom i am addressing this blog to, coz' i really haven't put up the link to it anywhere, nor have i told many people about it, but my greetings to anyone reading it, have a nice day!

Love you Papa!!!

Since the time i remember anything about anything, there has been one constant source of inspiration for me, one ideal i have always had....my Pa. He has always been this perfect person,who is right about everything,and even if i disagree with him on many issues,somehow he still manages to sound correct(the case is just the opposite with ma :D ).

I guess most sons feel this way for their dads,the dad son relationship is a strange one.Even with so less talking(we are males afterall),there is this underlying feeling of knowing each other completely.Papa never says anything,he'll never say "don't do this,don't do that",but still i know he knows everything that is going on,and in his own subtle way,he conveys whatever he wants to say without using much of words,and that too with much greater effect than any number of words can ever say.He shows such immense trust in me that till this day the single most thing i am most fearful of is breaking his trust.If ever i manage to break this trust,only God knows how much that will pain me.

All i wish is that i live up to what he expects of me,just as people tell me today"Son,your Dad is a great man!",i wish someday he will hear the same for me.I cannot ever dream of ever repaying him back for whatever he has done,but i would so like to gift him this much that his chest swells with pride whenever he sees me.Love you Papa!!!!!

The semester that was....

Exams just got over yesterday,and with it came to an end the most sleep deprived 4 months of my life.I feel so relaxed now,it has finally ended!
After my cpi dropping by almost a whole number in the last semester,this sem brought with itself a felling of resolve(more of hope really).I entered into it with an aim of atleast getting my cpi back up in the 8 point range(cant say i tried though,but atleast i thought about it).But from the day i saw the timetable,i knew it was never going to be easy.With only 1 afternoon free in the timetable,i was beggining to wonder whether IIT has finally lifted me out of the mirage i was in.
The star attraction was surely AutoCAD,a course which was superbly designed to ensure 2-3 night-outs per week for every civilian.But it was sometimes a great help too,if anyone tried to give you any work,just say"sorry man,got a CAD submission to finish",and he will understand,pat you sympathetically on the back and say "hang in there dude,God is with you".
Now dont get me wrong here,the house I designed when completed did give me a great feeling,it was a beauty(as every mother says even for her spoilt worthless child),but come on,people make a lot of money for doing what we did,and instead we had to pay for it(not only in money,but more importantly in sleep hours).
And if we stil got time left,there was always this heap of pending lab journals to be completed,or a quiz to come.
But looking back,the courses weren't really that bad,GKS was god!!!!Prof. Sethi was the best prof i have met till date.
That reminds me,of a certain IIT Kanpur gold medalist who taught(rather dictated) water quality management to a bunch of IITians who he thought were still in 2nd grade,he actually made us buy a full workbook(and made some money there too) of fill in the blank type notes and would do nothing in class except making us either complete those or occasionally send us out of the class.I am normally against bashing of professors(even the not so good ones),but here i gladly make an exception.
So that was the last semester academically in a nutshell,there is a lot more to write but i don't want this to become so long that even i don't read it again myself.

Going public!!!!

From a long time i haven't written anything,i just havent felt like writing(apart from the fact that life has accelerated beyond limits all of a sudden,so no time might also be a factor).

Writing has always given me a good feeling(to put it in simple words),i want to write.I think maybe going public might make me write more often,maybe then the hunger for attention and appreciation will force me to write more.This will make my blog a lot less frank,true,but let me try it once.

So do let me know your views

Akshat

wax on,wax off......

Yesterday in the lecture,the prof,noticing the number of students sleeping in the class,made an interesting comparison.He compared our training to the "wax on wax off" training Mr. Miyagi,a martial arts master,gives to his pupil in the movie "the Karate kid",in which he makes his pupil wax his car everyday in a particular manner.The kid feels so frustrated and cheated,all his fascination about karate is gone,he thinks "Why the hell am i doing this?".But in the end,this and such other modes of training make him the champion and it is only then that he realises the value of it all.
Is it similar to what we have been doing?Throughout school and now college,this question "Why the hell am i doing this?" comes so often to my mind,all of it seems so boring and worthless(well,mostly),for me it is just waxing a car,nothing more,but at a deeper level,maybe all this prepares me for what i am supposed to do in life.And why only courses,doesn't it apply toh almost everything in life,most of the things i do seem so worthless,boring,of no use at all,but each one of such "useless" things changes something inside me,each time i grow bit by bit.And now that i come to think of it,look at the degree of subconciousness of it all,i myself never come to know of me changing,i can't tell how or when,i cant say"look,i changed so much on this day,in this particlar week,month or year",i seemingly stay the same everyday,and yet,i somehow manage to change over and over again,strange!(strikingly similar to the concept of integration,funny how math corelates with so many things in life)

System upgradation required!

While going through the morning newspaper today,i read this article about some muslims in UP who refused to sing Vande Mataram because according to them,it implies worshipping the nation,so it offends their religion which permits only the worship of "Allah".Now i am not going to go into the logistics of the correctness of this statement,it really doesn't matter much actually,but the reactions which followed are much more interesting.Consequently,Arjun Singh made Vande Mataram recitation a voluntary act,instantly gaining a lot of minority votes in the process,and then the BJP came into picture with its communal vote bank policy ofcourse,and started voicing slogans like "desh mein rehna hai toh vande matram bolna padega" etcetra etcetra.As i think of this incedent,more and more hindi movies come into my mind(cant help it!),and it all seems so planned,so cliched.And the more i think about it,the more i start to hate and doubt the political structure in the country.The scenario becomes so macroscopic.I dont think Arjun Singh really gives a damn to Vande Matram,maybe he does,but the fact that he does or he doesnt becomes so irrelevent,he has to follow what the party says,and i really am not able to understand who decides what the party says,much of it is guided by vote bank policies anyways.It dusnt matter much even if the politician is idealistic or morally upright,he gets a crack on the back if he dares to speak his mind out(even our previous PM was made to apologise for doing that).
Take the reservation policy incident for instance,most politcians if asked personally and completely off the records,would have agreed to some extent atleast that increase in reservation quota in colleges was not the best solution to the problem,but no party is so stupid so as to lose large section of voters for "merely" doing what is right,it instead follows the "philosophy of the party",and sits comfortably on the votes it has gained by doing so.
Ideally this vote bank policy should have actually worked fine,afterall it simply means doing what the people want.How public opinion has drifted away from the voters' opinion is a complex question,this very question demands a change in the whole structure itself i guess.

But to take it easy on the system,it does not work that bad either,the very fact that we are actually progressing in most (atleast physical) spheres is a testimony to that.But somewhere the system demands a chance,maybe not a drastic one,but still it cannot be neglected.What the change should be is way beyond my limited capabilities to analyse,but i surely can sense the need of it time and again.

Ghalib ka khat

Today i attended this program where Ghalib's diary was been read out.An interesting part was when Ghalib writes a letter to a prince(one of his patrons),whose mother has passed away,offering his condolences.It is in urdu,but the diary reader was kind enough to explain it in simpler urdu and hindi,and i can only try to describe it further in english.
Ghalib was very confused about how to write the letter.He starts the letter by apologising,saying"maaf kijiyega,itne din yehi sochta raha ki aapko khat mein kya likhoon,so khat likh na saka".
He goes on to say that condolences are expressed for three main reasons:one,to express grief,second,to tell the person to be strong and brave,and thirdly,to pray that the deceased may go to heaven(dua karne ke liye).
What Ghalib says next is so true,"gham jataana toh takkaluf-e-mahez hai,jo gham aapko hai woh kisi aur ko ho yeh toh mumkin nahi".
Then he says that to tell someone to be brave is same as telling him that something has happened for which he should be brave,and thus refreshing the painful memories for which the condolences were offered in the first place.
His reasoning against the third point is "rahi dua karne ki baat,toh kya main,aur kya meri dua".
He ends the letter by wishing the prince good health and long life.

I really am thinking whether this letter would have helped the prince in anyway......but the letter is so painfully honest......it can really make one think.

recording new lows

The other day i was going through a copy of linda goodman at a friend's room,and being a proud libran,the first sun sign i looked up to was obviously mine.Although it has always seemed to me that astrology is more an art of how to write such that everyone can relate to what is written somehow,this time i read about the "great libran deppresion" when the scales are tipped towards the wrong side of the libran mind,and i couldn't help but relate to it.
From the past 1 month things have suddenly started going wrong(or so it seems),i seem different even to myself,let alone others who keep asking "what is wrong with you dude?".Something seems awfully out of place,and the more i try to find what,the worse it becomes.Although i do think i have a fair idea of what triggered it all,but it was such a small thing that i cant believe it can affect me so heavily.More like a chain reaction i guess,one thing happening after the other,and then things that aren't really bad become great tragedies in the mind.And then then come the things which really are tragedies,and suddenly i start feeling like a helpless little nothing,unable to control anything,incapable of really helping when needed,like a straw in a bloody flooding river,going wherever it takes me.Things happen which make you feel so small,so embarrasingly insignificant,so painfully helpless,so shamefully stupid.
And now,after coming back to college,when i thought all of it would be forgotten,the thoughts still keep coming back,what with the new hostel and all friends being separated,and the "bhiini bhiini sutte ki mahek" coming from all sides of the room(it really gets into my head sometimes,though ab toh aadat si ho gayi hai),being back to blogging seems quite a relief(more like an escape really).
I have tried a lot of tricks;reading,movies,hanging out,eating out(a lot!i will officially be broke in a few days).Even sleeping,my tried and tested solution to the universe and everything,doesn't seem to be working really well these days.Such a phase has never come before in my life,lets hope the scales find their balance pretty soon.But come to think of it,i guess they have to,so cheers anyways!

Top 10 ways to ignore n enrage friends

This is by personal experience,and trust me,these are real effective,unless you are dealing with real stupid stubborn emptyheads like me.
1. Never EVER call,no matter how much the other person calls.
2. If this doesn't work,stop receiving the other person's calls too.
3. Dont reply to any of the friend's messages.
4. Now if your friend either really likes you,or if he is simply an idiot,the top three might not work.Then you use a new weapon-when he/she asks why you arent replying,just say "aise hi!".
5. Under normal circumstances the top 4 will work,but if someone is really crazy,then you might want to try something different.Now,what you do is you talk to all your other friends,SMS them,write mails to them,hang out with them,and you dont even talk to the one you want to enrage unless he/she calls 2-3 times.Make sure that he/she knows about this and then when you are asked why,simply reply"theek hai,big deal!i'll do all this with you too,kya farak padta hai!".
6. After saying so,repeat step 5 again.
7. Keep repeating step 5 again and again.
8. Even the stupidest of your friends should be angry by now,but the biggest idiots would cool down soon,don't let that happen,just tell your friend that its nothing like he/she thinks,and that he/she is important for you,that you care for him/her,and now repeat steps 5,6 and 7.(I am too good na,i know :D)
9. Once in a while you are bound to meet those morons who are not even offended by these steps,what you do is you hit them where it hurts them,maybe some some past experience,or any thing which they don't like,like talking about things they would never do,or simply talking about ending your friendship,n then later saying that it was all a joke,"mazaak hi tha".

10. Now if you are stuck with someone who keeps bugging you despite all this,then you really got no choice,the man is crazy,stay away from him for god's sake!